Is the Gun Loaded Honey? An Analogy of Self-Defense

By Mary Ann Wray
December 13, 2013

My husband has become quite a gun enthusiast of late and owns a few different types of pistols and rifles. Of course when stored, the bullet chambers are emptied and the weapons are safely locked away! Last year we took a CWL class together and found it to be very interesting and informative. I was a bit intimidated when it came time to fire my six barrel pistol as part of becoming qualified. We had to leave all weapons in our vehicles unloaded, but bring enough  ammunition to fire at least 100 rounds once we left for the shooting range. Prior to the class, Bob bought me a Ruger 38 special at a local gun show. It even has a pink handle! Even though it is compact and ‘chic’ it’s still fires with quite a kickback!  

Handling and shooting a weapon properly was a necessary component of the CWL class in order to become certified. Up until that time, I’d never fired a gun of any significance-only a BB gun as a kid. I realize not everyone believes in owning a gun, but it is our constitutional right to bear arms. I respect other’s opinions about the matter, but I believe we all have a right to defend life and property when threatened. However, that is not what this article is about. Please allow me to explain a truth using this analogy in order to gain an important spiritual dynamic that may save your sanity!

Although I had never fired my pistol before attending the CWL class, another trigger was being pulled continually in my inner man with a cruel kick-back which needed to be identified and handled in a Godly way. As I was stirring up some homemade spaghetti sauce one day and meditating upon some scriptures while praying over a recurring issue, God gave me the analogy of a loaded gun.  I’ve been dealing with a particular issue almost my entire life i.e., rejection.  We all have issues; some worse than others but the key is what we do with and about them. There was a woman with a twelve year issue of blood who pressed through a mob of people in order to give Jesus her issue and she was healed! All the money she spent to get well and all the physicians in town couldn’t get her well (Mark 5: 25-32). Only Jesus could relieve her of the suffering and shame she endured.

Like so many people today, I grew up with an abusive parent. My father was an excellent provider, but he had a cruel and angry streak that flared up without provocation and when we least expected. My mother and I were the brunt of his anger issues and we constantly walked on egg shells. To compound this domestic dysfunction, I had learning disabilities that rendered me a very poor student scholastically. Back in those days, you were labeled a dummy or stupid if you couldn’t perform well in school. Did you ever hear about dunce hats on kids while sitting in the corner or putting your nose in a circle on the chalkboard in front of the class? That was my era and experience folks! Now, they have special classes and testing to pinpoint a child’s academic areas of weakness. Back then it wasn’t like that. 

I went to a parochial school and most of the nuns didn’t like me for this reason. I was frequently called out to stand in front of the class and work math problems they knew I couldn’t solve while the rest of the class laughed and jeered at me. Meanwhile, I would be called names and told I was an ignorant fool by my teachers. What was even more humiliating was that these women were supposed to be “holy” I thought. This gave me a distorted perception about my Heavenly Father. The fact that He sent His only son to die on a cross made Him cruel in my mind.  How could I approach such a God? Yet, there was something in me that wanted to know Him desperately.

The one strong point I had was that I could decipher words perfectly and read well aloud. I would always get a ‘kudo’ when I was called upon to read. This taught me that my performance made me worth something-so I thought. Even though I could decipher words I had no reading comprehension whatsoever. I would fail every comprehension test I took. The teachers mistook this for being lazy since I could decipher words perfectly. No help was ever offered-only criticism. I would get notes sent home to my parents stating that I was lazy and needed to read more at home. One day Dad shoved a pile of books on my lap and said, “You need to read and stop your %+!@#! daydreaming.” I held back the tears as I opened a book and started deciphering the words aloud to him but couldn’t enjoy the essence of the contents. Once again, I gained ‘kudos’ for a stellar performance that had no substance. I felt demeaned and loathed myself for being so dumb.

Looking back, I believe a lot of my learning problems stemmed from the emotional turmoil I experienced nearly every day of my life at home. Most of the days in class I spent daydreaming or feigning sickness in order to go to the clinic and wait for one of my parents to pick me up and take me home. I would take the thermometer the school nurse put in my mouth and go into the bathroom to run it under hot water until I saw the red line go up. I couldn’t even read a thermometer!

I spent every summer of my life in school trying to catch up and pass one grade only to barely make it to the next.   When I would ask my father for help, he would tell me that only stupid people ask questions and that I was lazy. He told me that I needed to learn things on my own and be a woman. Strange thing to say to an eight year old, isn’t’ it? These words set up a way of thinking where I would either try to figure things out myself which obviously led to many wrong conclusions or I would just give up trying. 

As a result, I built up many walls of defense whenever I felt threatened or rejected. Dad used to call me ‘the turtle’ because he said I always hid inside my shell. My temperament was usually very laid back and compliant. I am a melancholic-choleric type and back in those days my melancholic side mainly dominated how I behaved. You see, in those days when the ‘rejection’ trigger was pulled I retreated into my shell but at the same time released a tommy gun full of bullets aimed at myself in the form of self-hatred and depredation. I loved my father and never accused or blamed him for anything, oddly enough. All the hurt, verbal abuse and name calling was my fault and I deserved it-so I thought.

When you grow up with an abusive parent (s) or experience traumatic events albeit verbal, emotional, physical and/ or sexual, you pretty much think that you are worthless-or at least you feel that way. Over a period of time, you develop ways of thinking that infiltrate your psyche: how you perceive things, how you look at life, how you live your life and how you deal with people and things around you. You interact much differently than someone who hasn’t battled rejection because you feel like a slug and try to compensate for it in other ways.  Your perceived ‘self-confidence’, is just a shield you erect to protect how miserable you really feel on the inside.

Sometimes an inner sense of rejection manifests through a false air of superiority or a chip on the shoulder the size of Texas. In order to get approval or attention, some people develop a know it all attitude or a goofy sense of humor. Others manifest an argumentative spirit in order to prove they’re ‘right’. Many develop severe depression and get a diagnosis of being ‘Bi-polar’.  Sometimes rejection manifests by becoming a work-a-holic and a man pleaser.  Others want to ‘check out’ of life altogether, go live under a bridge or end their precious life altogether. There is a myriad and mixture of variations on how people react and adjust to life that are filled with a sense of rejection. These rejection ‘bullets’ or reactions, not only damage self, they damage those around us. 

Whatever the case may be, each one of us is wired uniquely and react to traumas differently. Our inner ‘make-up’ affects how we see and interact with life, people and God for that matter. Many times those suffering with severe rejection have mirages. They ‘see’ things that really aren’t there because they are so thirsty for approval. What they see is not only what is real or factual. It’s like an inner filter has been emplaced from dealing with rejection in an unhealthy manner. 

Rejection and its psychological effects can create a horrific vicious cycle that only God can bring to light and break. There’s no earthly fix or remedy. I’ve read tons of books, received some professional and pastoral counsel, undergone deliverance, cried rivers of tears and prayed until my throat was sore. But I’ve learned that overcoming rejection’s ‘trigger points’ is a lifelong journey. However, the answer is profoundly simple. I have found that the Father will allow me to go through enough repeated rejection scenarios until I “get it”. Once, I understand what’s happening to and around me along with my ‘typical’ knee/ jerk reactions, I can apply the fix and I’m free to move on.

You see, learning through the process is what makes us mature and strong! It can cause us to become more Christ like and less self-centered if we cooperate with the Holy Spirit rather than keeping our guard up and developing a prideful stoic stance. On the other hand, if God ‘zapped’ us so that our inward psyche was immediately delivered from rejection’s effects, we wouldn’t mature spiritually. 

Just like my family’s homemade recipe for Italian Spaghetti sauce I mentioned earlier; the more varied spices you add and allow to ruminate within the crushed tomatoes, the tastier the sauce becomes. These spices and other ‘secret’ ingredients help offset the bitterness of the tomatoes.  God allows us to go through the process of spiritual and emotional maturity so that our inner man can grow strong as we ruminate over Holy Spirit’s life lessons. As a result, we become sweeter to Him and the people around us. They’ll notice the difference and want to taste our sauce so to speak! We can share our testimony of deliverance and change. It’s an awesome way of spreading Jesus’ life and joy.

Whatever particular challenges we face in this life, the process of overcoming is much more important that what happens to and around us. Another way of putting it is, what happens within you is more important that what happens to you.

Getting back to the gun analogy and how it relates to rejection….Please allow me illustrate as follows:

The gun represents the outer man, the bullet chamber represents  the heart or seat of our emotions, the bullets or ammo  are the bitter roots, judgments, reactions,  attitudes and words we shoot out when the trigger is pulled. The trigger represents the things that set us off which the enemy uses; he pulls the trigger during times of stress or misunderstanding, using people, places and things. When the trigger is pulled a chain reaction results much like a semi-automatic rifle if we are not aware of what’s happening and why.

Rejection is a fact of life. You can also refer to it as offenses. Whether or not you had an abusive childhood doesn’t change the fact that we all face rejection. Very rarely can you face a day without some sort of offense, challenge or rejection from something or someone. It could be a credit rejection letter, a snide remark from a co-worker, a friend overlooking an act of kindness, not being recognized for an important accomplishment, being turned down for a promotion, someone looking at you cock eyed (at least you perceive it that way), being ignored in the hallway at work or at church and the list goes on and on. Some rejection scenarios are much more traumatic and need little explanation but I think you get the gist! They all have a way of setting us off! When you’ve experienced trauma and rejection you can get to a place where you expect it. Therefore, you can filter many things that are said through the expectation or anticipation of being misunderstood and rejected. 

Not only do we need to be aware of the trigger points that set us off, but we need to understand our own stash of ammo and what we tend to use as a defense in response to these reaction triggers. The ammunition we stash away in our psyche got there by building up a defense system against a trauma or abuse experienced long ago-yet the pain still lingers.

We must pray that God will give us understanding on how we are wired and become more aware of our own emotional soft spots. He wants to heal and restore every part of our being. In Bible College I heard that the three greatest ‘knowings’ in life are: knowing God, knowing self and knowing others…that is, understanding the nature of each.

We as humans can be fickle, dishonest, insincere yet caring at other times. When we try to understand the whys of what we do, we have certain blind spots. We can’t always see ourselves in a holistic perspective. Also, we don’t always know who to trust because those we’ve trusted before have hurt us. God’s nature, however, is unchanging and completely trustworthy. Whatever our natural father’s or those in authority over us may have done to give us a warped view of authority and/ or fatherhood, our Heavenly Father is none of that. He wants you and He wants you to know Him as Abba, Father. That is why He created man in the first place. He wanted a family and will never leave you or forsake you.

Not understanding this truth causes us to create ‘self-defense’ bullets. We use them to load our heart chamber and they can be as varied as bugs in the insect kingdom. Here are a few bullets we may have in our cache without realizing it: competing with others to get ahead, lying to save face, cheating to make it, exaggerating a story to impress others, verbally lashing out, avoidance, over reacting, a critical spirit, suspicion of other’s motives, self-pity, a victim mentality about life, blame shifting, making excuses, physical abuse such as hitting, punching, cutting, and killing others with our cutting words. This is only a partial list of bullets we can produce as ammunition against those who we feel reject us. Then there is the ultimate manifestation of rejection…suicide. I contemplated it many times in the past. As young as the age of seven or eight I thought about ending my life but I feared going to Hell. That was the only thing that stopped me. I felt so worthless and full of pain at times ending my life seemed the only way out.

This is not true my friend! What we need to know most of all is that there is someone who understands EXACTLY what it is like to feel and be rejected. When you experience rejection you have a tendency to feel like you’re an isolated case. You also believe that the one rejecting you despises you whether it is intentional or not. This feeling often turns into self-hatred and more bitterness. 

Think back…what did you do to trigger that first hateful remark or fist across the face by an angry parent time and time again? What did you do to illicit the taunting by neighborhood bullies or attract heinous sexual advances by a family member or family ‘friend’? What did you do to make that parent walk out on you and your family? What did you do to make that friend turn their back on you and betray your friendship? Probably nothing. Rejection starts with the heart of the perpetrator not the one being rejected.

You need to know something. The God that created you took the hits and scars of your rejection. You see, Jesus was not only rejected by man, but He was also despised; and for what? What did he do wrong? What was His sin? What mistakes did He make for receiving such treatment? What did He say that made so many people angry at Him and want Him dead? Nothing, nothing wrong at all…His suffering was actually a result of His doing good ALL the time, unlike us humans. 

I’d like to share portion of scripture that many people may not be aware of…at least in terms of its significance to our earthly life and misery. Please take a minute to read this and see what I’m talking about. As I mentioned earlier, Jesus was not only rejected but He was despised. That’s a pretty strong word. It means to regard with loathing and contempt: to dislike somebody or something intensely and with deep hatred. The Shepherd and Bishop of our souls who went about doing good, healing all types of diseases, casting out devils, loving sinners and preaching the good news was despised by many. Just think about it!

The passage of scripture I want to share with you is what Isaiah the prophet foretold concerning Jesus, our Savior. You would think after reading this prophetic resume, that Jesus would have told the Father, “You’ve got to be kidding me. No way, Father God! Why in the world would I want to go to earth and take on this job description for Heaven’s sake?” 

Well my friends, not only did Jesus read this prophesy, He (The Holy Spirit) authored it. Not only did He read and author it, He (The Son) agreed to it. He agreed to it because He (The Father) authorized it and said, “Son, this is the only way we can get my people back from the devil’s grip.” 

Something had to stop the trigger from killing us-temporally and eternally. It was the precious blood of Jesus my friend. I pray you will read this passage slowly and carefully, taking in every word.  Every time you see the word “He, him, his” read it with “Jesus” in mind. When you read the word “our, “Lord” and later in the prophesy the word “my” have the Trinity/ Godhead in mind who is the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.”

New International Version Isaiah 53

“Who has believed our message and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed? He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem. Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all. He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before its shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth. By oppression and judgment he was taken away. Yet who of his generation protested? For he was cut off from the land of the living; for the transgression of my people he was punished. He was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death, though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth. Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the Lord makes his life an offering for sin, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand. After he has suffered, he will see the light of life and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities. Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors. For he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.” Isaiah 53

After reading this passage for the umpteenth time, all I can say is that I feel great compassion and gratitude for what Jesus did for me while tears fill my eyes and my heart starts beating faster. You see, Jesus experienced what rejection really is: physically, emotionally and spiritually. He willingly submitted to the cruelest form of rejection a man could ever suffer. They beat His Holy face while they spit on Him, plucking out his beard with their bare hands, (His beard represented His priesthood and earthly ministry). This was another form of cruel mockery. They flogged his bare back 39 times with 9 cast iron cat tails to the point of His flesh being ripped and torn down to His rib bones and backbone. 

This torture happened only after they pushed a crown of thorns through his scalp, eyebrows and eyes to mock Him as “King”. He became deformed to the point of no longer resembling a human being. He looked more like a deformed monster. Then they crucified Him totally naked on a rough recycled ruddy cross used many times before to hang capitally accused criminals. All the while His friends and family looked on helplessly. Many of His own family didn’t receive Him as Messiah and Lord at the time-they were too familiar with Him to believe in His Divinity.  Those others He was called to save but wouldn’t listen to Him or believe in His purpose and ministry, stood by mockingly as he suffered and bled. 

Everything within him, including His precious blood, was being poured out for humanity while dripping down to the ground into a coagulating crimson puddle. “Will they believe now, Father?” he must have thought. But at the last few minutes of His earthly life, even the Father rejected Him. His Father turned His face away from His own son because Jesus literally became sin for us so that we could be made righteous before God (2 Corinthians 5: 21). I shudder when I think about all Jesus really went through that Good Friday. It wasn’t good for Jesus but was necessary and good for us. It’s beyond all imagination.

After reading this, I think Jesus knows a little bit about what rejection is like, don’t you? However, what He did with His rejection is vitally important. This will determine how and if we are able to disarm those explosive bullets that want to shoot out of our heart chamber when the devil pulls the trigger. The only “right” pattern and example to follow in order to overcome our rejection issues which will get us free from rejection’s affects is Jesus himself. All the other tricks of the trade i.e., beating pillows, screaming until you can’t scream any more, psychiatric drugs, writing letters to your offenders then burning them afterwards, breaking objects that represent your past, throwing darts at ex-lovers, hit men and hitting others can’t and won’t rid you of the pain and vicious cycle of rejection. Rejection will only rear its ugly head some other kind of way. There’s only one remedy my friend and it’s the same remedy you have to use every time your rejection trigger is pulled…..

Do you want to know what it is? It’s not complicated and it doesn’t cost a dime, at least not in earthly currency. The only thing it will cost you is the self-preservation and antics you’ve created to defend yourself against rejection’s sting. However it manifests, and whatever it is that you and I have developed to prove to self and others that we’re worth something or need to get even about, needs to die…..It needs to die on the cross;  not Jesus’ cross of course, but ‘our’ cross (Mark 8: 34). Unless we deny our ‘self’ and pick up our cross of dying daily to the self-made stuff we’ve created to make our lives ‘better’ we can’t follow Jesus much less enter into His Kingdom-plain and simple. So you see, it will cost you something but not anything that’s worth a flat nickel on this earth. When you’re willing to die to these feelings of rejection God can take them, heal you and cause a resurrection of new life within your inner man.

What you may not realize is that you are worth more than all the silver, gold, jewels, expensive designer clothing, cars, and all the riches of this world put together.  Look at this scripture..

“I will make a man more precious than fine gold; even a man than the golden wedge of Ophir.´Isaiah 13: 12

You see, God says you are worth more than gold. God created you, formed you in your mother’s womb and loved you when you were without hope and strength. While you and I went about living our lives like dead men wallowing in our own trespasses and sins, God decided it was time to send His Son to take care of business as only He could. He had to morph into a man-child, grow up enough to minister healing and deliverance to others, and end His life suffering and dying on a cross for our sins.

Christ’s suffering on the cross for you is what you need to think of whenever the devil pulls your rejection trigger. If you understand what it cost him and why it cost him so much (your eternal soul), it won’t be so hard to unload your gun of bitterness and unforgiveness at the foot of the cross.

Picture Calvary and Jesus hanging there naked, crushed like a tomato, bleeding, with a broken rejected heart by the ones He came to save and His own Father…While you picture this in your mind hear with your inner ear what He said…. “Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Luke 32: 24 .This is what we MUST say whenever that rejection trigger is pulled by the devil…”Father, forgive them for they know not what they do,” even if it is a false perception on our part. If it is, the Holy Spirit will help you see it. In direct rejection scenarios the offender may be totally aware of what they are doing and want to do it, but they don’t understand the why. The why is what is keeping them in bondage. They need freedom the same way you and I do. By releasing them through the Father’s forgiveness there’s hope for them to be redeemed as well your release from the sting of it. If you harbor that bitterness it will defile you and others (Hebrews 12: 15).

You may say, “Well sister, that’s easier said than done. You don’t know what I’ve been through.” My reply would be, “You are absolutely right…easier said than done, and I don’t know what you’ve been through. However, God knows and nothing is impossible through the power of the Holy Spirit.” Releasing our offenders versus poisonous ammunition is not an option or suggestion. To follow Christ fully it requires death to every area of our soulish tendencies.

What is the alternative my friend? All different types of psych drugs like I’ve been on that couldn’t cure my rejection trigger; having a break down and going nuts winding up in a mental ward like I did twice; carrying a grudge to your dying day like my Dad did until He finally gave in and asked Jesus to forgive his sins as He finally forgave his brothers for doing him wrong so many years before; developing all kinds of is’s i.e., colitis, arthritis, bursitis, psoriasis et al? I understand that not all diseases are psychosomatic, but science has backed up the fact that many physical illnesses are brought on by stress, trauma and even unforgiveness.

I hope and pray you’ll choose Jesus’ way because I know it works….it works every time the devil pulls the rejection trigger. Sometimes I forget to unload my gun and have some old ammo lying around unprotected. But if I empty the chamber of bitterness and unforgiveness before I release it, the devil loses and I win! The Holy Spirit has a better memory than we do. He’s great at reminding us about the simple but powerful things we need to do when we are rejected and offended. I’ve learned that dying daily to self is just as important as learning how to live! Thank you, Lord!

“But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.” John 14: 26

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Matthew 18: 21-22

“A person's wisdom yields patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an offense.” Proverbs 19: 11