DEALING WITH LOSS

FIVE STAGES OF DEALING WITH LOSS, DEATH OR TRUTH (adapted from Psych central.com)
By Mary Ann Wray

These are the stages everyone goes through when facing or dealing with an addiction such as drugs, overeating, alcohol or pornography, separation or divorce, death of a loved one, or any truth that deals with your character and the need to change in some area.

“From six calamities he will rescue you; in seven no harm will touch you. In famine he will deliver you from death, and in battle from the stroke of the sword. You will be protected from the lash of the tongue, and need not fear when destruction comes. You will laugh at destruction and famine, and need not fear the wild animals. For you will have a covenant with the stones of the field, and the wild animals will be at peace with you. You will know that your tent is secure; you will take stock of your property and find nothing missing. You will know that your children will be many, and your descendants like the grass of the earth. You will come to the grave in full vigor, like sheaves gathered in season. “We have examined this, and it is true. So hear it and apply it to yourself.” Job 5: 19-27

1. Denial and Isolation

The first reaction to learning truth about loss or any of the things mentioned above is to deny the existence of it. It is a normal reaction and we want to rationalize our way through these overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the shocking truth. We block out words and hide from the truthful facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

2. Anger

As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear off, reality and its pain re-emerge. The intense emotion caused by pain in the inner man is deflected from our core, redirected and expressed as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends, a minister or family. Anger may be directed at God, or a dying or deceased loved one. In many cases, we know no-one is to be blame. But if someone has abused us that anger is real. Emotionally, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry. That anger must be given to God or it becomes toxic. Pray for the ability to forgive. This is key to your healing! Remember what Christ said while He hung on the cross: 

“Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Luke 23: 34

“Be angry but sin not-don’t let the sun go down on your wrath.” Ephesians 4: 26. 

You may have to do this many times before you feel a release from it. Studies have shown that the emotion of anger releases endorphins from the adrenal glands that are toxic to the blood stream. It takes 72 hours for these toxins to process out of the system. Unresolved anger can literally make you sick! 

“A tranquil heart is life to the body, But passion is rottenness to the bones.” Proverbs 14: 30

Loved ones, a minister, co-worker, or doctor who identified an illness, co-dependence, character flaw or addiction might become a convenient target of your anger.

3. Bargaining

This is the normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability. It is our feeling or real need to regain control. It is an attempt to ‘figure’ out the why of it all. 

• If only we had sought help sooner…
• If only I got counsel from someone else…
• If only I had tried to be a better person …

Secretly, we may make a deal with God in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is another line of defense to protect us from the painful reality. “I’ll give away everything I have. I’ll do anything you say. I’ll really serve you all the days of my life. I’ll never do or say that again if you just help me.”

God knows that we are dust and that apart from Him we can do nothing (John 15: 5). What is important to remember during this stage is that the WHO is more important than the WHY. God was with you through every valley and mountain. He never left when you were/ are going through. He will never leave you going forward. Learn to lean and trust on the everlasting arms of your Heavenly Father. (Deuteronomy 31: 6)

4. Depression

Two types of depression are associated with loss. If left unchecked they can grip your soul to the point of debilitating you. The first type is a reaction to practical or the physical implications relating to a loss i.e., change in living arrangements, the absence of your loved one, withdrawal and the temptation to substitute one bad thing for another. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, more private. It is our quiet preparation to deal with the loss and say ‘good-bye’ to the person we lost or the former “me”; the way we were and hello to the new. If you’ve been through a severely traumatic loss, anti-depressants for a period of time may help to balance out the brain chemistry. But seek professional help to determine if this is needed. Remember, your help comes from the Lord! Ramp up your private time with your Heavenly Father and reading the scriptures-particularly the Psalms and Proverbs.

5. Acceptance

Reaching this stage is a gift not afforded to everyone. Loss and pain may be sudden and unexpected and we may never see beyond our anger or denial. However, the phase of acceptance is marked by  calm resolve. This is a time of great healing although it may not be marked by a feeling of happiness. It must be distinguished from depression.

Coping with loss and truth is a deeply personal experience — the Holy Spirit will help you go through it and understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help support you through this process. Be careful not to become overly dependent upon man. They are human but you have a Savior who has been touched with every feeling of your infirmities and He will comfort you like none other.

The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the emotions as they come over you but don’t let your emotions take over your life. There was a set period of grieving set in the Bible 30-70 days (Genesis 50: 3; Numbers 20: 29; Deuteronomy 34: 8). This was for psychological and spiritual reasons so that a spirit of grief would not take over a person’s life and sabotage the abundant life God comes to give us. Mourning in a healthy way by the grace of God through prayer and reading of the scriptures along with the support of loving friends and trusted ministers is important to get through it.

You are a tri-part being. You were created in the image and likeness of God. There is the Father, Son and Holy Spirit-three in one. Likewise, you are a spiritual being, living in a body with a soul (comprised of a mind, will and emotions). Balance is very important. You need a balanced diet to be healthy. You need balance spiritually to be healthy. Learning to pray rather than bask in self-pity, reading the scriptures rather than watching violent or suggestive movies and TV programs, getting some exercise for your body and doing some fun things will help you live a balanced life. You need to learn to laugh and have fun without the use of drugs or alcohol. Ask God to help you laugh at yourself rather than take things and yourself too seriously. God loves you. He laughs at the enemy because He is Lord over all. Learn to see Him as the solution rather than focus on the problem and you will come to a place where you can begin to laugh at trouble. Build your faith like a muscle through reading scripture, attending a good church where you will be fed spiritually and surround yourself with positive people! It is not just the truth we know but the truth we understand and do something about that brings liberty from depression, sin, addiction and loss.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8: 32 

 “The human spirit can endure in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?” Proverbs 18: 14

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his holy people, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord. Whoever of you loves life. and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from telling lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.” Psalms 34: 4-14