A Lesson in Love

           A Lesson in Love…By Mary Ann Wray

If you are struggling in your marriage or feel that your spouse is not doing what he should be doing or isn’t 'taking the lead' in your home, let me share a word of encouragement with you. Perhaps you are a brother in Christ, and you’re experiencing trouble in your marriage and you’re not getting along with your wife. Whatever the case may be, there is hope! Although I’m directing this article a little more towards women through my own testimony, I believe you husbands can glean from this too.

"Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives…. Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner (translation is lesser in authority) and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." 1 Peter 3: 1 & 7

Perhaps you were not expecting that as a word of encouragement! It really wasn’t a trick to bait you with a hook of death! Smile. Please understand, the intent of using this scripture was not to suggest that some of you may not be facing natural insurmountable odds. Neither is it meant to ignore the fact that perhaps some readers are not the brunt of cruel verbal, physical and emotional abuse or continual infidelity and irresponsibility. However, in the midst of any struggle you may be facing, whether it be in your marriage or outside of it, God can make a way for you-IF you heed His way. That’s what this article really is about. You and I can’t rescue a marriage or overcome any struggle for that matter in the flesh-in our own strength. There are spiritual principles emplaced by God’s Word that teach us how to navigate through every storm and challenge in life. “It’s not by might or power but by my spirit says the Lord.”

Take it from a woman whose marriage of 30 years (at the time) was on the rocks, heading for a complete shipwreck a little over 8 years ago. I learned some valuable lessons from the Spirit that I believe ought to be passed along to perhaps help others see some light at the end of a seemingly never ending dark tunnel. You see, I had a long laundry list of things my husband was doing and/ or not doing that caused me to believe he was the real culprit in the marriage.  But after several traumas, partially as a result of my own doings and others not, I experienced a huge wakeup call and ‘reality check’ from the Father. Finding myself separated from my spouse of 30 years, all alone, away from family, facing financial ruin, joblessness and homelessness, I began to seek God honestly for some REAL answers to my REAL dilemma. 

For the next seven months I found myself on the 'threshing floor' while the Holy Spirit dealt with my heart attitudes. There The Holy Spirit separated my soul from spirit bit by bit. He showed me areas of my life that were out of order.  He showed me my prideful self-righteousness and unforgiveness. You see, when we are desperate, hurting, and feel all alone, we tend to be more pliable in the Master’s hands.  I learned later rather than sooner, that I had no right to point the finger at my spouse, especially after God shined the light on the ugliness of my own heart, hidden from view, so I thought. Funny thing is everyone else could see my blind spots except me. My husband’s sins were no worse than mine, even though I believed they were. The Holy Spirit gently reminded me that a wise woman builds up her house but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands. He showed me my negative critical words about and to my spouse were destroying my marriage and breaking God’s Divine Order in our home! 

“By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.” Proverbs 24:3-4

By the grace of God I began to understand that the Word of God was and is my only standard of measurement: not comparison with others, blame shifting or making excuses. I clearly saw for the first time through the Father’s Lenses that I was the one who really came up lacking in righteousness in our divine duo. I learned that as long as I targeted the blame to my spouse and or the enemy (which by the way, was what Eve did after she ate the forbidden fruit), I cleverly avoided taking any responsibility for the problems in my marriage. This is how I subconsciously reasoned or justified my behavior. At the same time, however, I was not experiencing the wonderful fruits of wisdom, understanding and knowledge. My house was full of strife; not treasures from the Father. These were the three things I needed to see, have and embrace if restoration was to take place and we were to experience the God kind of peace in our relationship. 

Saints, the word of God trumps all other opinions, reasoning, rationalizing, self-imposed righteousness, and soulish bind spots. His word is a lamp to our feet and a light to our path. I was a master at deflecting the mirror of God’s Word so that it didn’t reflect what was in me, but how it pertained to everybody else around me, including my husband. I believed I was ‘sinless’ in the marriage and couldn’t see my own fault even though I would mouth words like, “I know I’m not perfect BUT he…..” “I know God is still working on me BUT he….”

Ironically, I had a picture hanging on my living room wall framed in gold with an excerpt from Psalm 51 that said “Create in me a clean heart, and renew a right spirit within me.” It really caught my attention one day and from then on it became my daily prayer. I really wanted a clean heart, a right spirit and pure gold faith for my situation that could work only by agape love. I saw that I didn’t possess these things. By the way, I believe Psalm 51 is the Spirit’s Anthem for a repentant heart!  Jesus said that the Kingdom of God is within us! He said that if we even ‘look’ with a lustful eye or entertain an ungodly thought towards someone it’s the same thing as doing it! He said, “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks!” He is more concerned with the condition “inside the cup” than without. I was a religious Pharisee in my own house!

After several months, things finally began to shift. God began to unlock my heart. It all began with a ‘rhema’-a personal prophecy spoken from the Spirit of God to me in January of 2007. Long story short, I went on a short term Missions Trip that served a completely different purpose than what was I expecting. Although I did have a burden for St. Thomas and its people during that trip, and I was privileged to lead a woman to Christ, God placed an even greater burden on my heart for my husband in a way I never had before. I began to ‘see’ Him through the Father’s eyes. As a result, my heart began to be moved with compassion for him rather than criticism and condemnation of him. I spent that entire afternoon interceding and seeking God for a WORD. 

I shut myself up in that hotel room with fasting and prayer, while praying in tongues and English for around four hours. After the travail was finished I finally got my ‘word’ from the Lord! The Lord told me “Luke 1: 45”. I immediately went to my Bible and was amazed at what I saw…”Blessed is she that believeth, for there shall be a performance of those things spoken to her of the Lord.”  This is what Elizabeth exclaimed to her cousin Mary who was “with child” upon her arrival at Elizabeth’s house! Wow! I got a word I was seeking for and knew everything was going to be alright! Praise God! However, what I didn’t understand at the moment was that the Word of the Lord was going to test me and require some changes. The result would be a burden of proof seen in my life and circumstances! Like Mary, I needed to ponder the Spirit’s words and allow them to become flesh. The Word of the Lord always demands change, if not in behavior, in attitude, which in turn changes how we see everything else!

When I received this “rhema” from the Lord, I was about mid-way through the threshing I mentioned before. By the way, this wasn’t my only time on His threshing floor. They are ongoing experiences, wrestling in the spirit to overcome the soul! After thanking Him for the Word, He began to show me things I needed to change day by day. The first was the way I spoke to my husband. Next it was respecting and honoring his spiritual authority in the marriage and home regardless of what I believed were his shortcomings. The Lord reminded me that He is a God of order and government. Therefore, I had no excuse to disrespect him according to 1 Corinthians 11:3. The exception would be if he demanded me to break God’s Moral Code and Word which wasn’t the case. Next, I needed to repent (apologize and change my attitude) towards him. If I wanted the Father to forgive me, I had to forgive my husband. His reaction to my apology was not what God was concerned with. It was my heart attitude and obedience.

This was the hardest of them all, but trust me, by the time I got to step three I was so tired of crying and being isolated that I was willing to do whatever necessary to make things right. I knew if I wanted to see breakthrough I had to die to myself and pride. God wore my will down through fasting and prayer and yes, time! I learned that the soul (mind, will and emotions) easily overpowers the spirit man-where the candle of the Lord abides. It’s through fasting and prayer that the spirit man begins to take over rather than the soul!

After three months of no communication, I called Bob in obedience to the Lord and apologized…sincerely. I told him that I realized my attitude and behavior towards him was wrong. I apologized for my rebellion to his spiritual authority in the home by not allowing him to lead the way he was meant to. I was argumentative and flat out rebellious. I apologized for disregarding his feelings and throwing things away that I should have asked him about first. I apologized for taking the money out of our retirement fund without his consent. Not one time did I try to justify my actions or interject “Thus saith the Lord”, followed by two scriptures, which was my usual approach. God had me on ‘lock down’ and it was time to demonstrate meekness. Instead of what the former Mary Ann would say, I told him God had really been dealing with me and showed me the true condition of my heart. I wasn’t sure what to expect. Was he going to hang up on me, or be happy to hear my voice? I hung by a thread as I waited for a response. There was a long period of dead silence followed by a weak ‘okay’ followed by more silence. For the first time in our 30 years of marriage, I was at a loss for words! I finished by saying, “I’m sincerely sorry for the things I did to hurt and disrespect you. I do love you.” I didn’t push the issue or demand an “I love you” back. Thus, the conversation ended. It looked like nothing was changing but I knew in my heart God’s word to me was true. Therefore, I had to have patience while it worked in the unseen realm.

Several weeks later, I prayerfully wrote him a “kind” letter reiterating some of the things I told him on the phone and thanked him for listening. Again, I wasn’t pushy nor did I demand anything from him. I knew the healing would take time, but if it was beginning in me the Holy Spirit would certainly work the process in Bob too. I kept quoting the scripture “He that has begun a good work in me will perform it until the day of the Lord Jesus Christ!” Several more weeks passed by and I finally heard from him! I felt like a school girl getting a phone call from her latest ‘crush’. I tried not to sound too excited. He went on to tell me that he got my letter and thanked me. He was completely honest and said how he felt about the past events and my attitude leading up to the point of our separation. For the first time in a long time I didn’t get ‘defensive’ and say something like “Yeah, but you….blah blah blah.” I simply said, “I understand.” He went on to say that he knew as Christians we must forgive one another and that he forgave me not only for the things I trashed and the money I withdrew, but for leaving without a word, which was the deepest hurt of all. By this time I was in tears. 

Bob went on to say he was willing to work things out and wanted to come up that weekend and talk. It felt like our ‘first date’. The only condition was that I sell the shotgun I purchased to ‘protect’ myself. He wasn’t taking any chances!  Little did he know I had a pistol too. I went ahead and sold it. I figured I’d tell him about it later! He arrived around three in the morning that Saturday and for the first time in six months we embraced, cried and clung to each other like two magnets drawn back by a supernatural power: the power of God’s unconditional love. We experienced a honeymoon that weekend, but the adjustments in my heart were ongoing as other challenges surfaced. However, by the end of that year, I realized how God’s Word to me truly came to pass! First he put me back in my right mind. Then He healed our marriage, gave me a job with my former company that just so happened to have a contract in Columbus, got my husband approved for a lateral transfer from the Defense Supply Center in Richmond to the sister supply center here in Columbus. This happened after two simple phone calls. Through a casual conversation I had with a gentleman at the Jolly Pirate one morning I learned he just so happened to have retired recently from the sister base in Columbus. This random meeting along with his business card was the thing God used to get Bob connected to the right people at the right time. Next, God reconciled the relationship with my son whom I hadn’t spoken to in nine months. Next to healing our marriage, this was the greatest thing God could have ever done for me. But it didn’t stop there. Our home finally sold in Virginia in the worst possible housing market seen in years, and as a result of that we were able to purchase another home in Columbus. All totaled, I recounted seven miracles in the year 2007! 

Saints, God is truly faithful. All it takes is seeking Him diligently then obeying what He tells us to do no matter what the circumstances may look like. He said we inherit His promises through faith and patience. There shall be a performance of those things which are spoken to us from the Lord! It’s our choice to believe God and obey Him or not. Experience taught me that believing and obeying Him is much better!