The Root of Relational Dysfunction: False Judgments

The Root of Relational Dysfunction: False Judgments

Mary Ann Wray

So many times people get offended by something another said, the way they said it, the way they looked at them or didn't look at them, or by something they failed to do that they thought they should have done. Worse yet, is when we become offended at what someone told us ‘happened’ to them by someone else that offended them and we are not even involved in the situation! As a result of these unresolved offenses, we tend to formulate judgments about a person based on our personal perception rather than fact or Biblical confrontation. This happens in marriages, on the job, in families, in friendships, in churches....in fact, it happens everywhere!

But is it fair to formulate a judgment about someone or something that we haven't even discussed the offense with? Doesn't our legal system even hold to the fact that a person is innocent until proven guilty? If we don't give the person who offended us the chance to discuss it with us, and prove whether or not they were guilty (of a true offense) or not, we are sabotaging a relationship that God wants to use to forge our character and possibly bless our life. We have to be brave enough, humble and willing to confront offenses the Biblical way in order to give other's the opportunity to repent if necessary, and/ or explain themselves. At the same time, we have to afford ourselves the opportunity to learn some valuable lessons through humble confrontation.

Within our penal system, one of the methods for proving or disproving guilt in a serious crime is the use of DNA testing. Because of its ability to link physical evidence found at a crime scene to a single person, it is often referred to as a “digital fingerprint.” This method is so precise that it can ensure pinpoint accuracy, down to one in a billion. And, unlike fingerprints, which can only be found only if a suspect touches something, DNA exists in every cell of the human body, from hair and blood to skin and tears, and can be shed or deposited while committing a crime. That means it is often the only means for accurate identification.

While this method is almost totally fool proof it can be faked. In one case, a criminal planted fake DNA evidence in his own body. John Schneeberger raped one of his sedated patients in 1992 and left semen on her underwear. Police drew what they believed to be Schneeberger's blood and compared its DNA against the crime scene semen DNA on three occasions, never showing a match. It turned out that he had surgically inserted a Penrose drain into his arm and filled it with foreign blood and anticoagulants to mask his real DNA. All the evidence said one thing but in fact the criminal tampered with the evidence. How twisted and unjust is this? This is the same M.O. the devil uses in relationships. He deposits thoughts in our minds that cause us to believe things that aren’t necessarily true in order to pronounce guilt on someone or something else in order to mask the truth. Through this twisted M.O. the enemy sabotages relationships that God intends to bless us with or even use in our life to mature us.

As in the case of faked DNA,we run the risk of assuming someone’s guilt by inserting our own perception versus searching for the real truth. We know a tree by its fruit: what it produces over a long period of time. We may observe a single behavior that causes us to come to a conclusion about a person, but we don’t know the motive behind what they did or didn’t do without consulting them. Also, is it something we’ve observed over a long period of time that really needs to be addressed or could it be they or I am having an ‘off day’? There is a proverb says a man’s wisdom gives him patience and it’s his glory or joy to overlook an offense. Some things we honestly need to learn to simply overlook and ignore. Other times we may be proving someone ‘guilty’ without any real discernment of the facts behind what they said or did or didn’t do. In essence, we are inserting fake DNA into the situation.

We have to be willing to give others an open door of forgiveness and restoration the same way we want the Father to extend to us. Otherwise, we formulate a one sided judgment which is not just at all and another relationship 'bites the dust’. This whole sad process is called 'jumping to conclusions' and making assumptions. Both lead to false judgments. Without knowing all the facts through open honest communication and approaching an offense with a humble attitude, we allow the enemy to eat away at valuable relationships. By clinging to false judgments, we eliminate any chance of restoration in a relationship. This propagates a spirit of dysfunction and disunity which is so grievous to the Father’s heart (Proverbs 6: 16-19). We must understand that there is another ‘father’ at work behind a spirit of suspicion and offense. We need to discern his M.O. or we’ll lose out in our relationships every time.

The Bible tell us how we are supposed to handle offenses. However, too often we do it the 'back handed' way by talking about the offense to everyone but the 'offendee' or just holding a grudge against someone without even giving them a chance to hear us or speak for themselves. We do ourselves and the person we are offended at a great injustice by not handling the offense the right way....This grieves the Heart of the Father who also calls His Body, His Family! Without even realizing it, we can be promoting disunity and bitterness rather than unity, forgiveness and an opportunity to mature in Christ.

When we are offended, we have to ask ourselves some honest questions before formulating a false judgment against someone else including a brother or sister in Christ…”Am I perfect? Have I ever hurt anyone by the words I’ve spoken intentionally or unintentionally? Have I ever done anything to grieve the Heart of my Heavenly Father? Has God forgiven me more than once or even 70 times 7 for some of the same things I’ve repeated over and over in my life?” If I can answer yes to any of those questions than I have a responsibility to offer the same door of forgiveness and restoration to others that God has offered to me.

“But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6: 15

By practicing this we become a peace maker whom Jesus said this about, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God!” Matthew 5:9

I was an elementary teacher for many years. I had to quickly learn the art of peace making in my classroom if there was to be any semblance of order! As young children typically do, they’d bicker and compete over the smallest little offenses. They loved to ‘tattle tale’ and spread gossip about each other in order to feel superior or form little clicks. Some thought they could win my favor by telling on someone else. It never worked!  In order to create an atmosphere conducive to learning, I had to come up with ways to promote unity and camaraderie in my classroom or there would be no safe place for real learning! Rewarding good behavior and coaching them on how to resolve their differences through face to face talking and forgiveness worked very well. We even had a ‘Kindness Wall’ where I challenged them to write something kind or good about a different classmate each day or week and put it on the Bulletin Board. I was amazed at how quickly they responded to the idea and a lot of the bickering ended! We can learn a lot from this type of behavior modification because a lot of what we call ‘offenses’ are based on perceived behavior, not fact anyway!

How will they know us? How will we be known? By our love, Jesus said. The love chapter in the Bible reminds us of many things about agape, but in regards to offenses Paul put it this way, “It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13: 5-7

In closing, let us challenge ourselves to put into practice this simple but gutsy principle.  Jesus gave it to us in one of his teaching moments to His disciples about conflicts in relationships. They had plenty of them!

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. Matthew 18: 15-17